


Dwarfses in the Dark

by octopus_fool



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Creepy, Gen, Humor, Khazâd November
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2016-11-04
Packaged: 2018-08-28 22:55:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8466139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: Bofur ends up taking a fall in the goblin tunnels. But at least there should be nothing nastier than goblins down here, should there?





	

Bofur didn’t like the feel of the air around him. He couldn’t see much, but not many dwarves needed to rely on sight alone. Nothing was to be heard but the drip-drip-dripping of cold water onto dark stone and his own breaths in the darkness. There was still air around him, even though it tasted stale, but not as unpleasant as that above in the goblin tunnels. Still, the darkness felt oppressive and Bofur could almost feel the weight of the mountains pressing down on him.

He laughed. His own thoughts were starting to sound like the jabbering of the elves when they started on how horrible it was to be underground. Then he bit his lip. Laughing out loud probably wasn’t the best course of action alone in these tunnels either. You could never know whether there would be any goblins lurking about, or maybe even worse… a dragon maybe, or the flames and shadow that were said to hide in Khazâd-dum…. How far away was Khazâd-dum anyway? Was it possible that the bane of kings had come this far north?

Bofur shook his head. He really was letting the separation from the group get to his head. He briefly wondered whether he should go and look for Bilbo, but shortly before the goblin had jumped next to him breaking the rung of the ladder, he had seen Dori reaching for Bilbo at the other end of the group to pull him up. There was nothing down here. Only him.

Splat. Slap. Splat. Slap. 

Bofur froze. There _was_ something down here with him, and it certainly wasn’t Bilbo. He wished more than ever that he hadn’t lost his mattock during the fall. 

But things wouldn’t be so bad, would they? Most likely, the goblins wouldn’t want to eat him. They’d take him to their king for questioning, and chances were that was exactly where the others would be. 

“What is in our tunnelses, my preccciousss? It doesn’t look like a goblin, but what isss it, gollum?”

Bofur shivered. That voice belonged to no goblin. He tried to figure out where it came from, but the echoes in the tunnel seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. Still, it had obviously seen him, so he might as well talk to it. Whatever it was, Bofur was sure he had drunken ale with worse characters in the taverns of remote valleys in the Blue Mountains.

“I’m Bofur, son of no one in particular, dwarf from the Western mountains. And who are you?”

It made the nasty swallowing sound again. “Gollum, it asks who we is, my preciousss! It has better mannerses than most goblinses. We must alwaysss be polite, our grandma said, yes preciousss, she taught us our mannerses. But gobinses don’t know mannerses, no, just toothses and clawses and sharp iron.”

“Did they hurt you?” Bofur asked, suddenly wondering if the creature perhaps needed help. “Are you lost, lad?”

“Losst?” The creature paused, as if pondering something. “No, no, we isn’t lost, at least we doesn’t think so. Nasssty goblinses can’t catch us, oh no. But we can, yes, yesss, we can twist their little necksesss!”

Bofur took a step back, but he still didn’t know from where the voice was coming. “Well, I’ll let you get back to twisting goblins’ necks, then. I wouldn’t want to keep you from that very important business! I hope you have a lovely day!”

“S-s-s-s! And we thought it has mannerses, my preciousss! We was talking so nicely, oh yes! And now Bofurses is rude and wants to leave!”

“Oh no, I didn’t want to be rude!” Bofur said hurriedly. He really didn’t like talking to somebody he couldn’t look in the eyes. “I just thought you might have important business to attend to. I’d be happy to stay and chat.”

“Is it perhaps hiding sssomething?”

“No, what would I be hiding?” Bofur did not like the turn the conversation had taken. 

“Is it niccce, my preciousss?”

“Am I nice? Well yes, I think so. My old Ma always said being so nice to everyone would bring me to my grave one day, but so far, it has only made me friends. They all say I’m nice too.”

“It says it is nice! Niccce and juicccy and ssscrumptioussss!”

Bofur realized there might have been a terrible misunderstanding. “No wait, that’s not what….”

Something cold and clammy grabbed his arm and Bofur spun around to see a small pale creature. Its grasp was surprisingly strong for its frail appearance but Bofur didn’t want to strike it anymore than he would have wanted to strike Bilbo. Its large, glowing eyes stared at Bofur for a moment, before it realised his hesitation.

Still watching him, it brought Bofur’s arm to its mouth and took a tentative bite.

“No! Let go of me!”

To Bofur’s surprise, the creature did as told.

“Pah! It lies! It liesss! S-s-s-s-s! Nasty Bofur! Pah! Even goblinses taste better than dwarfses! Stinky and tough and hairy! Pah!”

The creature jumped around, desperately trying to wipe its tongue off with its grubby hands.

Bofur watched in bemusement. It _was_ nice that he was no longer being chewed on, but he was quite certain that any goblin tasted worse than he did. And it hadn’t been _that_ long since he had last bathed.

“I’m... sorry?” Bofur tried, but there was no reaction. “I don’t taste bad on purpose, you know. I’ve just been on the road a while.”

A thought hit Bofur. He was sure he would regret it later and Bombur would definitely complain that he had abandoned his last bit of common sense, but he reached into his cloak anyway. 

“Would you perhaps like this instead?”

The creature stilled immediately. 

“Gollum! What has Bofurses got? More poison?”

“I am not poisonous!” Bofur protested and immediately regretted it when he saw the glint in the creature’s eyes.

He tried again. “It is dried beef, the last I’ve got. You can have it, lad, if you like. It is a bit tough, but I’m sure it tastes better than goblin.”

The beef was snatched out of his hands faster than Bofur could look. The creature retreated to a nearby rock and sniffed at the beef suspiciously. It gave the meat a cautious lick and then began gobbling it down.

“Soft and juicccy and tender, yes preciousss! We likes it!”

Bofur watched him, wondering how the creature managed to make such slurping sounds over such dry beef. The poor thing must have truly been famished and small wonder too, if it lived off goblins. There was not a scrap of fat on its bones and not much muscle either. It would be easy to finish the wretched creature off with a well-aimed rock or even his bare hands. 

Bofur would have wagered a nice sack of gold that most dwarves or other reasonable folk would have done so. But Bofur did not like to kill when it could be avoided and the thought of the occasional goblin being taken by this slimy little creature living in the dark below goblin town amused him. It wasn’t as if much pleasant folk came down here that he didn’t want to be harmed, was it?

The creature licked its lips and hands as it finished the last bit of beef and then turned its eyes to Bofur.

“Does it have more, my preciousss?”

“I’m afraid not, sorry lad.” Bofur replied, turning out his pockets. Only a piece of string fell out. 

The luminous eyes stared at him for a moment longer and Bofur could see the thoughts churning behind them. Then the creature’s head jerked up as if listening to something.

Bofur turned his head too and when he looked back, the creature was gone. For a moment, there was the splat-slap of large feet to be heard in the darkness, hurrying towards the sound of another pair of large, shoeless feet too far away for Bofur to hear.

Bofur briefly considered following the strange creature but then decided that the opposite direction of where it was heading was more likely to lead upwards. And indeed, the air seemed to become slightly fresher with each step Bofur took. 

From the distance, he could hear snatches of a song.

“The fish so fresh,  
With spiny bone   
And juicy flesh.  
I slurp and tear,  
The beefses’ meat,  
All goblinses beware!”


End file.
